Continued turmoil in the world. With the news of Ukraine, streamed, TikToked, IGed, tweeted, and blasted, parents are faced with how to provide context and grounding to these complex emotions and realities of war. Our kids are talking about war, and their minds may march to the worst-case scenario.
I know mine did.When I was about ten years old, I remember watching a television program at school about what happens in a nuclear war. I don’t remember the name of the apocalyptic programming, but I was transfixed in fear, frozen in my rectangular metal desk in my tiny New Jersey elementary school. I also remember there were many similar movies and news shows on network TV at the time too.
When I asked my dad about what was happening, he would curtly brush me off, saying it was nothing I needed to be concerned about. And knowing my father’s history now, escaping the Korean War on foot from North Korea to the south when he was five, he probably didn’t need to relive his childhood from our safe distance of American suburbia.
Yet, to me, nothing was more horrifying than the potential of a nuclear attack and the implication for humankind. When telling my kids about what it felt like growing up during the Cold War, they immediately responded, “It sounds like global warming!” Yes, in some ways, it was… A pending, looming feeling of doom like something could go terribly wrong given some bad decisions.
And this is why for many of us parents, the events in Ukraine, can trigger so much worry and fear. So, here is a crib sheet on how to talk to your kids about what is happening in Ukraine.
Marsha Richardson, director of GSE’s School and Mental Health Counseling Program says,
“When it comes to issues like this, sometimes we can find it hard to connect the dots between a child’s behavior and the events unfolding in the world around them.” “This is about being in tune with and understanding, developmentally, the ways in which these stressful situations might manifest for children.”
A recent Washington Post article on this topic recommends having our kids lead the conversation. By taking cues from our kids, we will be able to know if they are simply curious or deeply concerned. Experts say not leading conversation is critical, and meeting them where they are in a calm and clear manner is what will define their memory of this time. Simply asking what your children have heard about the conflict — and making sure they know a bit about what’s going on, is an important step to let them know that you are there for them and can help them navigate the complex emotions and information of war.
The New York Times states it’s important to look out for less obvious signs that they’re nervous. Kids struggling with anxiety can, for instance, have trouble sleeping, possibly because they are woken up by thoughts or images they saw in the news. Extra reassurance with cuddles and comfort can go a long way to provide stability in their present life.
My dear friend from college who is a history buff and lifetime student of international relations focuses on the history in a storytelling manner for her two kids ages 10 and 7. The younger one will ask, “Who is the bad guy?” needing black and white clarity, while the older’s interest falls in understanding country borders. My friend also brought context to these world events by explaining through Minecraft. “What would you do if someone claimed your Minecraft region after you developed it?”
I love how the NYT columnist Melinda Wenner Moyer points out news sites and apps specifically designed for kids, including NYT Learning, News-O-Matic and Newsela, as well as sources appropriate for teens, such as NPR and HuffPost Teen to explain. One very concise and accurate explanation of “What Putin Wants” that I came across on TikTok is from @lisaremillard a TV Journalist of over 20 years with 1.4 million followers.
Wow! If well-curated, TikTok is such a great source of information.
The BEST advice that I came across when addressing the war with our kids is uncovering the root of OUR fears. Our kids are coming at what is happening from a vastly different context. As parents, we need to shed our fears first by confronting our biases and then letting our kids express theirs.
For children of all ages, be sure to ask them what they know. Correct any misinformation or negative generalizations they may have, and provide them with the truth and context they need. Finally, experts suggest considering limiting news consumption for younger children who might want to limit their child’s access to news coverage of the war.
I found this podcast incredibly illuminating personally and as a mom on how to talk about Ukraine in a way that is positive and considerate of our kids’ developing future. Dr. Aliza Pressman, developmental psychologist, parent educator, asst. clinical professor, and co-founder of both Mount Sinai Parenting Center and SeedlingsGroup, provides consistent and actionable advice on her podcast, “Raising Good Humans.”